Children's Fears and How to Work with Them

Children have quite diverse and intense fears; however, parents and educators are often unaware of them because children do not trust them. On the contrary, children even hide their fears, as the reactions of adults, both in their expectations and in reality, are often undesirable and unhealthy. The most common fears among children include fear of the dark, being left alone, falling asleep, nightmares, doctors, animals, and others.

Certain fears appear at specific ages and soon disappear; however, it is particularly noteworthy if a fear intensifies over time and becomes bothersome and disruptive to the child in their daily life.

Modern Dutch psychologist and researcher Peter Muris proposes a classification of fears based on the age factor (citing Warren & Sroufe (2004), Ollendick & March (2004)), the manifestation of which is completely normal alongside a child's developmental age. These fears are:

• 0–6 months: Fear of loud noise and loss of support/balance.

• 6–18 months: Fear of strangers and separation.

• 2–3 years: Fear of animals and imaginary creatures/monsters.

• 3–6 years: Fear of the dark, storms/thunder, and loss of a parent/caregiver.

• 6–10 years: Fear of school and physical danger.

• 10–12 years: Social distress (friendships).

• 13–18 years: Social anxiety, panic (identity formation, sexual relationships, bodily changes).

The very first things we must eliminate are intentionally scaring the child and uncontrolled contact with gadgets. Scaring a child, even in jest and especially to discourage bad behavior is unacceptable. A child's psyche is exceptionally vulnerable. While we cannot guarantee complete protection from trauma, we can work on neutralizing traumatic experiences.

Regarding gadget use, in today's reality, children are least protected when interacting with screens. When left unsupervised, we do not know what content they might encounter, which frequently becomes a trigger for developing fears. Therefore, screen time should be kept to a minimum and used strictly under adult supervision.

What should we do if a child already has a specific fear? First and foremost, the child needs an increase in love and attention from their parents—a sense that their parents are by their side and ready to help. This should be followed by dialogue, a conversation about what scared the child. Discussing all of this must be actively encouraged. The child needs to know that they can freely talk about anything, ask questions, and receive answers. Our ultimate goal is for the child to achieve free self-reflection.

For example, when a child is afraid of the dark, they usually imagine that some terrifying creature lives in the dark, which will harm them, and that they will be unable to protect themselves while alone. The child's thoughts and mental images generate this fear. This fear intensifies even further if the child cannot speak about it with their parents. Adults often attempt to neutralize the fear by responding with phrases like: "That's nonsense, monsters don't exist," "Why would a monster be in your room? That's only on TV," and many others.

In conversations with the child, we should make every effort to help them find a solution themselves through our support, presence, questioning, and answering. To begin with, we must clarify what the child imagines in the dark: what is happening there, what is most terrifying to them, what the creature appearing in the dark looks like, what it does, what they think it will do, and so on. A detailed description may initially cause an uptick in fear, making parental involvement and neutralizing the fear with gentle humor indispensable. Meanwhile, the child will gradually calm down and begin thinking about ways to resolve the problem.

We can ask them what could be done in such a moment, what they would like to do themselves, what they would do, and how they would cope with the danger in the dark. The child will slowly begin expressing aggression as well, brainstorming ways to fight back and defeat it, how their parents can help them in this process, and so on. Do not let such thoughts frighten you; this does not mean the child is aggressive or that this behavior will manifest in other situations. As soon as the child grows accustomed to speaking freely about their fears and expressing their thoughts boldly, peaceful resolution strategies will naturally begin to emerge in their conversation. In this way, we train children to envision danger and think through ways to overcome it.

Along the way, we can offer to stay together in the dark for a short while. For example, we can go into a room, turn off the light, and leave the door slightly cracked so a small source of light streams in. Gradually, we can move toward closing the door completely. During this time, we can hold or wrap our arm around the child and hug them so they feel as safe as possible in a situation that is inherently uncomfortable for them. Being in the dark should always be followed by a discussion, during which we can evaluate together with the child whether something could possibly appear in the dark that was not there in the light. Over time, the child will realize that the danger is not objective.

Children find it much easier to work through these and other issues than adults do, as their imaginations are richer and their pathological attitudes are not as ingrained as those of adults. That is precisely why addressing the problem as soon as it arises leads to the desired result much faster and more easily. In this process, a child's feeling of love and acceptance, parental care, patience, and open conversations are the guarantees for developing the child's self-reflection process and a healthy psyche.

Mariam Khmaladze - Psychologist, Psychotherapist, MSc., Member of the Psychoarsi Team.